RAIN

When I began my journey to the Dominican, I told myself that I would keep it real. That I would not sugar coat things, and that I would be honest about the struggles of missionary life. I have failed to do this. I have fallen into this pressure of trying to appear as though I have it all together. Part of this is because I live in a culture where everyone is always watching and talking-whether true or not, because I am seen as a leader and so others come to me when they are wrestling and I need to set myself aside, and so on. But the truth is, I have not been ok for a long time. 

Today I cried out to God while in stand still traffic with the hot sun beating down on my car and no air conditioning. My Bruno bear was riding with me, slobber running out of his mouth due to the horrendous hot sun. As public cars were cutting me off, those around me were honking like crazy, and my poor pup was desperate for water, I sort of lost it. 

This past year and nine months has been the hardest and loneliest season of my life. Finding people to click with and grow together with has been so hard. Ministry is demanding and sometimes so difficult when you work with a computer and do not always get to see the fruit of what you work so hard at. I am learning to be an adult in a new culture. Paying bills, maintaining the home, car, all of it looks very different here. Sometimes I schedule an appointment for a certain time then wait four hours for a person to show up, having to cancel my meetings for the afternoon, and then they tell me I must be patient and wait for them when I check why they have not arrived. On top of this, everything I touch seems to break. Thing after thing has an issue, needs fixed, or goes totally wrong. 

I have been going and going for so long that I have forgotten what it is like to rest. I cannot even remember the last time I took time to do something for me or even what I would want to do if I had the time. 

In July, I got on my knees, opened my palms and said, “God I am desperate to hear your voice. Speak to me.” He said, “this is faith. We walk by faith and not by sight.” Shortly after, I felt the Spirit whisper to me one simple word. “RAIN.” I had dreams of fire and then rain showers in my bedroom. As I went through my devotional, the author wrote about heavy clouds ready to explode and how God will release the rain, but we must stand under the cloud with arms open wide ready to receive all He has for us. When quarantine hit, I got plugged into a church based out of Orange County, CA called TFHOC. I have grown SO much worshipping and digging into the word with them from my couch. They recently did a series on RAIN. 

These were just a few times that God kept reminding me, ‘hey Ashley, rain is on the way.” I write in my prayer journal often, “la lluvia está en camino.” But I am still waiting under the cloud, hoping it will burst and downpour soon. 

Here is what I am learning as I stand under this cloud with my arms wide open:

1. IT IS OK TO WRESTLE. Man, I have really wrestled and asked God, “why?” lately. Last week, I wrote in my journal, “God where have you been?” Which is something I have never asked before. Wrestling produces depth and growth. It is in our wrestling that we learn to fight on our knees, the urgency of prayer and crying out to God. And He meets us here. He hears our cries and loves it when we call upon His name. 
2. WORSHIP IN THE WILDERNESS. I love spontaneous worship where the leader does not just follow the lyrics in front of them, but they sing from their guts. They let the Holy Spirit lead and take the spotlight. I have been playing worship throughout my house and just trying to create an atmosphere that ushers in His presence. 
3. PROCLAIM THAT GOD IS SOVEREIGN OVER IT ALL. This has really helped me. Whether sitting on your comfy couch, pushing a cart at the store, or sitting in your office chair, sometimes we need to declare out loud over our spirits and situations that God is good, He is unchanging, and He is fighting for us. Stating Truth over hard situations refocuses our attention and reminds the enemy that he is already defeated.
4. GOD IS OUR SOURCE. My prayer has always been that my eyes would be fixed on the Lord as my source of provision. Not my employers, wallet, significant other, nothing but Jesus. Fundraising to be a missionary was very intimidating to me (and it still is to be honest), but I knew that God honored big faith. So I asked boldly of Him to provide in full within five months, and He made it happen. During this hard time, He has reminded me of His constant faithfulness and the way that He shows up and provides exactly what I need in the most perfect timing (although sometimes I try to rush the process). He made mana rain down to fill the Israelites bellies and used ravens to carry food to Elijah and fill his belly. He made a way then, and He is still making a way now. HE IS A GOD OF MIRACLES.
5. CREATE THE COMMUNITY THAT YOU CRAVE. I have been really hurt in relationships in the states and here in the DR. Sometimes relationships feel one sided, and it stings a little. During this time of being physically separated from others, God has really been working on my heart and convicting me to fully forgive. In my disappointment and frustration, I have found myself shutting down to have relationships with others. But that is the enemy’s tactic. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He delights in making people feel divided and isolated. We must step out of the “poor me” mindset and pursue these deep, meaningful relationships even if we feel that we are the ones initiating it. Because it is worth it. Because we are designed for community. My momma Linda says, “lavish love.” Christ lavished love on those who spat at Him and mocked Him. Oh how I want to be more like our Jesus who went after those who rejected Him. 
6. NO STRIVING JUST ABIDING. I do not know about you, but I am always on the go. I have like a thousand things on my to-do list and even more thoughts running through my head. I get so caught up in the “doing” that I forget to just “be.” I have found myself guilty of being more of a Martha than a Mary. I want to sit at the feet of Jesus more and listen to what is on His heart. I want to put the dirty dishes down, and just sit and linger in His presence. As I feel the cloud above me about to burst, I am reminded that this new season of rain will bring less striving and just abiding in Him. 

When I dove into fundraising and preparing for the field, I prayed that my journey would inspire others and take them deeper in their walk. That God would show up in such mighty ways that would only point to Him and draw those around me into a more intimate relationship with Him. So every time I sit down to write, I tell God, “I want to say something that matters. I want to say something that hits home for someone or spurs them on in their faith.” I always pray before I start writing (and during) that God would speak through me to reach someone that needs encouragement. I want to be real and vulnerable as I journey through ministry, the Dominican culture, learning to be an adult, etc. and I pray that God uses it all to spark something in whoever reads (even if it is just one person it is worth it). 

So if you are like me (and if you made it this far in the blog) keep standing under that cloud. Keep singing your guts out and proclaiming the goodness of God, keep standing firm when the enemy throws thing after thing at you and those you love, keep fighting for those friendships, keep pursuing the heart and presence of our Jesus That cloud will soon burst and God is going to down pour crazy refreshment on you.