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Heart in two countries

Man, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write! My husband and I welcomed our son, Andrés Mikkel, into the world almost 8 months ago. Between being a full time mami and all the other curve balls life throws, I haven’t found the time to sit and write out what has been on my heart.

I started this blog to share my journey here to the Dominican. It hasn’t turned out quite the way I expected. It has been one of the wildest, refining, yet most amazing journeys. Even through the tough moments, I would choose it all over again because it’s shaped who I am today. And through it all, God has given me the most precious gifts—my Alan and my Andrés. 

My heart has really felt torn between the states and here lately. The Dominican has been my dream since my first trip in 2016. God really broke my heart and opened my eyes on this trip, and when I went back to the states, I felt homesick for the Dominican. Now after 6 years of living in the DR, and never knowing the next time I will see my family, I am praying that the Lord will provide a way for my husband to be able to travel to the states. 

For those of you have followed along, you know that the road has been long and we have fought really hard do everything the right way, the way that is pleasing in the Lord’s eyes. I have found myself at another place of surrender. I am re-learning how to release control and watch the Lord’s hand orchestrate a miracle for us, just like I did with my Dominican residency. 

Matthew 6:25-34 has been the most encouraging passage to me in this season. The Lord fills the birds’ bellies, and they don’t even work for it. He clothes the flowers of the field who are here today and gone tomorrow. How much more will He take care of us? He knows our every need even BEFORE we take it to Him in prayer. Over and over it says, “do not worry!” But instead, we seek first His kingdom and righteous and all these things will be added to us. 

One thing that has given me so much comfort is that God foresaw everything that we have been through and everything we will go through even before Alan and I met.  The Lord has intertwined our stories knowing that we would come from different countries resulting in lots of paperwork and  hoops we’d have to jump through to be together. And He knew exactly what we would need to jump through those hoops. This has given me so much peace. He is the author of our story, and He will supply all we need to do what is honoring in His eyes. 

It’s crazy how my journey has come full circle. It isn’t easy having your heart in two countries. And yet, it is so beautiful to get to love people so deeply from each country that it hurts to be away from them. I’m eager to see (and share!) the next chapters of the story that God is writing. 

Weary Mama

It has been quite the week. Actually. Two months. Within the last couple months, we have fought chicken pox and influenza, spent way too much time in emergency rooms, lost a couple main sources of income, got ourselves into a whole lot of debt with high prices and medical bills and car fixes, and have really felt like we are just trying to keep our heads above water. 

Our son has begun to have a mind of his own. He is nearing 2 years old, and he is as driven and independent as they come. I feel like he is constantly pushing boundaries, throwing fits, breaking things, hurting himself from doing dangerous things, or filling his diaper every 30 minutes because he has become a bottomless pit. Every moment is interrupted by him desiring my constant attention. I cannot remember the last time I went to the bathroom alone, took a shower that lasted more than 2 minutes, or enjoyed a hot cup of coffee. 

I have been feeling really weary carrying all of these things while being a 7 month pregnant mama of a highly active 20 month old boy. 

I am embarrassed to say how many times I have reacted to Andres or my surrounding situations out of how I feel or my emotions instead of practicing the fruits of the Spirit. I don’t think that moms talk enough about how draining motherhood can be, and then the majority end up feeling alone and sometimes ashamed of how they feel. I know I 100% have felt both of these things. 

These are all real emotions. The overstimulation, feeling a little out of control, stir crazy being home and attending littles and house chores all day long every day, hormones and emotions out of whack, overlooked or underappreciated, and the list goes on…these are all real, legitimate feelings that aren’t always vocalized. 

Motherhood is the wildest ride. You love your children more than anything in the whole world and would sacrifice anything for them, and yet you feel drained because you sacrifice everything every day for them. You crave a break, and yet when they aren’t around you don’t feel completely whole without them and miss them. 

I will be honest, my prayer life has suffered since becoming a mom. I have zero time alone, and once I get Andres to bed, I have to make dinner, clean up, and I am out of my mind exhausted by the time I finish. I rather sit in front of a funny show and not think than sit down and pray which typically results in me falling asleep anyways. Please tell me I am not the only one who struggles with this! 

I have been teaching Andres to stop and take a deep breath in and out when he gets worked up. I need to practice this myself! 

I am learning that I don’t have to strive so much. I need to learn to rest in the Father again. To abide in Him and press into His strength in those moments where I want to throw a fit like my toddler. 

I have been trying to create better habits and practice discipline. I have recognized that if I want to see a difference in my attitude and see breakthrough for our family, then I have to stop falling into the pattern of laziness, step it up, and be the prayer warrior God has made me to be. 

I was talking with my brother a while back, and he shared with me that he had good Jesus time just sitting with the Lord and journaling. I responded with, “Man I envy you. I haven’t had that time since becoming a mom!” And his response was so simple yet challenged me. He reminded me that prayer doesn’t have to look a certain way. He encouraged me to have “breath prayers” throughout the day. Prayer is just talking to God and inviting Him into every moment whether you have a rare quiet moment, scrubbing a toilet, or telling your child, “no,” for the 50th time in 10 minutes.

We carry so much as women, and we have to remember to take it all to the feet of Jesus. Here are some Scriptures that have really encouraged and also challenged me in this season. 

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -Psalm 73:26

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matthew 11:28–29

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. -James 1:19-20

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. -Colossians 3:12

But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. -2 Corinthians 12:9

Children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). They are our greatest gifts from Jesus! When my patience is being tested and I have no idea how to handle things, I remember that God created me to be Andres’ mama. He knew that Andres would be determined, and He has entrusted me to handle his strong little personality. 

My boy–soon boys– are my little disciples. They are watching how I respond to chaos and stress, how I serve those around me, how I pull out my Bible every day (or maybe leave it on the shelf some days), how I handle conflict or hard news…they are watching my life, and they will reflect everything I do. My actions and the way I live will always speak louder than the words that come out of my mouth. I want the way I live to show Jesus and not my flesh. I want my words to speak life over them. 

So I cling to these verses. I daily have to take my burdens to the feet of Jesus (trying to fully leave them there and not pick them up again!), and I work on practicing self control. For the little eyes that are watching and learning from me every day. 

 I know that one day my house will be empty, smashed up cheerios won’t be thrown all over the floor, Old McDonald won’t be in the background on repeat, I won’t have scribble marks all over the pages of my Bible, there won’t be a baby reaching to come sit on my lap as I go to the bathroom, I will have a full nights’ sleep but without a little hand wrapped around my neck, and I won’t have little voice hollering, “mama” as I clean up another mess of rice and beans smeared into my floor. As chaotic as all this sounds, I know I will miss each and every one of these seemingly “frustrating” moments. 

Don’t grow weary mama. You may not get to clock out from a long day of work right now, but your hard work has an eternal impact. Your mini disciple is watching and learning from you.

End of 2025 update & huge changes to come

It has been so long since I have been able to sit down and write. Now that I am a mama, I pretty much do everything with one hand and an Andres on my hip. This makes blogging a little more complicated. But so much has happened in this past year, and our family will be experiencing so many big changes in the year to come!

Andres Mikkel is now 18 months old, and being his mami has been one of the most wonderful yet challenging things I have ever experienced. I have realized just how sanctifying being a mom is. It really gives you a peek into the Father’s heart for us while also drawing out your worst qualities–like lack of patience or feeling selfish while desiring a moment alone which seems to never come. Motherhood is so humbling, and I just beam looking at my bright boy. Andres is the strongest yet most tender hearted, active, intelligent, people loving baby. I guess I should toddler now because he has grown too fast and is more like a little man. He is such a great mixture of Alan and I. We look at him and still can’t believe that we created him. Thank you, Lord, for entrusting him to us. 

And to piggy back off of that, we are expecting another baby boy in May! This baby is even more active in the womb than Andres was, so I know that we will have our hands full. But praise God for our healthy, moving boys! 

We are currently in the process of obtaining Alan’s US residency. If you have followed my blog or our story, you know that this has been a long, expensive, even sacrificial journey for us. We just celebrated 5 years of marriage, almost 7 years of being together, and we still have not been able to travel to the US together. All the paperwork has been approved, and we are just waiting on the interview. Unfortunately, the Santo Domingo US embassy is one of the most backlogged out of all the countries. We are really praying for a mighty miracle that we will be able to have this baby in the United States and be present for my brother’s graduation from University in May. It would be so miraculous if it worked out. Having a baby is one of the most stressful moments in a woman’s life. Now not knowing what country you are going to have your baby in, and all the potential legal processes to follow, not to mention–without your family present, takes it to a whole nother level. I am really trying to release my desire for answers to the Lord and learn to rest in Him and His sovereignty. Even if He doesn’t answer my prayers the way I want. 

We recently just said bye to our Bruno boy (our dog). I found him on the street 6 and a half years ago, nursed him back to health, and raised him. With our upcoming cross country move, expecting another baby, and apartment life, we were not able to keep him or provide him the life he deserves. We took him to a shelter, and it has hit me a lot harder than I anticipated. I am a huge dog lover, and he was my only companion through some really dark seasons here in the DR. It really hurts my heart to know I will never see him again or know if he will get adopted. I love dogs so much, but I am not sure if my heart would be able to handle having another one being between two countries. 

My sister just got married a couple weeks ago, and my family and some friends from the states were here to celebrate. It was a beautiful wedding, and also very Dominican (jaja). It is really hard when family visits  because there is so much excitement and build up, then our days seem to fly by, and then they leave with us never knowing when we will see each other again. I am pretty much all over the place emotionally for a few days after they leave, even more so now that I am pregnant. I really hope that was our last goodbye. I am so thankful for our close knit family. It is such a treasure and so rare nowadays. 

I am coming up on my 7th year anniversary of moving to the DR. It is crazy how much I have learned and my perspective has shifted over the years while living here. I came here  with a lot of willingness to learn, yet also a lot of unvoiced expectations. Through the years I have experienced and witnessed a lot more than I ever anticipated I would. My life in the Dominican has brought me some of my greatest joys, like my Alan and Andres, and also some of my heart’s biggest aches. I have had to overcome a lot and fight for what I need in this country, and that is the way most Dominicans live every day. I could share more on these aches and frustrations in depth, but that is more of a face-to-face kind of conversation. I love this country, but there are many things that I would love to sit down and have a serious chat with the government about. 

I am sure there are many more things that I could update you on, but these are the most relevant at the moment. If you think of our family, please pray for us. This new year will bring many changes, adding another member to our family, continuing in our expensive legal processes (maybe adding another one if we have this baby here in the DR), cross country move which brings a lot of new adjustments, and the timing of everything which would make my head explode if I think about it so I just try not to. 

Thank you for following my journey through all these years and all the craziness. I thank God for how He has carried me and continues to go before me and sustain me, and now my family, through every season of life. To Him be all the praise and glory forever. 

The backwards way

About two weeks ago I was at the store with my sister, our friend, and my son. I was pushing our cart into the check out area eager to get home, eat, and get my sleepyhead baby a nap. Then out of nowhere an older man cut me off, stepping right  in front of the cart. I froze half in shock and half in frustration. I was already in the lane in between the candy bars and all the things they put out to make you spend more at the last minute, I was sure that our spot in line was secure. I think my irritation was painted all over my face because this man then decided to turn to me, lifting up his items in his hands as if to say, “I only have two things so I thought it’d be okay to push my way in front of you.” I looked down at our cart of five items and gave him an annoyed shrug. Right as I was about to express my frustration in English to my sister (I live in the DR where Spanish is the main language), he tried to strike up a conversation in English. All three of us were not having it and just ready for this guy to check out and get out of our way. 

 

That night I was playing the whole situation over in my head, and you know what, I felt convicted. Why was it that I was so annoyed? The Holy Spirit started to reveal to me all the ways I allow my flesh to lead instead of denying it. And my mind started to unravel from this silly instance in the supermarket to all these other similar experiences I’ve had living here and how I just want justice for little things that have happened. Then it got me thinking, the way of the Kingdom is SO opposite of the way of the world. 

Jesus teaches us:

When someone hurts you, turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39)

Seek what is good for others  (1 Thessalonians 5:15) 

Live in harmony and don’t repay evil for evil or insult of insult (1 Peter 3:8-10)

Not to take revenge into our hands (Romans 12:19)

Love our enemies, and give to others expecting nothing in return (like 6:35) 

Pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44) 

I could keep going on and on. I don’t know about you, but when someone does me wrong, my initial response isn’t to pray for them, give to them, and definitely not to love them. My fleshly mind immediately kicks in and thinks of some snarky come back to take a jab at them. This is what society teaches us. It’s been drilled into us to always been on defense and look out for ourselves.

But this is not how Jesus has instructed us. This is not the Kingdom way. We are called to be set a part from what the world looks like. This includes how we respond to others when they have wronged us, or even something silly like cutting in front of us at the grocery store. Or if you live in the crazy DR, when a moto hits you and tries to run. Because of sin, we live in a fallen world where things like this are inevitably going to happen. Jesus warns us in Luke 17:1 that offenses are bound to come, but we don’t have to get offended by them. 

We have been given the mind of Christ, so we don’t have to bow to defensive thoughts when they arise. When these offenses come, we need to deny our flesh and ask the Holy Spirit to kick in for us where we feel weak. We are to live like our perfect example, Jesus, who did things backwards from how society did things. And that’s how we are supposed to live, opposite of the world. It may look backwards to many, but it is honoring in Christ’s eyes.

I hope that the next time someone cuts me off in line—I mean I expect this because Dominicans tend to do it often— I respond more out of grace than irritation. I want to live backwards from the world. It’s the Kingdom way.