god – Journey to Dominican

Weary Mama

It has been quite the week. Actually. Two months. Within the last couple months, we have fought chicken pox and influenza, spent way too much time in emergency rooms, lost a couple main sources of income, got ourselves into a whole lot of debt with high prices and medical bills and car fixes, and have really felt like we are just trying to keep our heads above water.

Our son has begun to have a mind of his own. He is nearing 2 years old, and he is as driven and independent as they come. I feel like he is constantly pushing boundaries, throwing fits, breaking things, hurting himself from doing dangerous things, or filling his diaper every 30 minutes because he has become a bottomless pit. Every moment is interrupted by him desiring my constant attention. I cannot remember the last time I went to the bathroom alone, took a shower that lasted more than 2 minutes, or enjoyed a hot cup of coffee.

I have been feeling really weary carrying all of these things while being a 7 month pregnant mama of a highly active 20 month old boy.

I am embarrassed to say how many times I have reacted to Andres or my surrounding situations out of how I feel or my emotions instead of practicing the fruits of the Spirit. I don’t think that moms talk enough about how draining motherhood can be, and then the majority end up feeling alone and sometimes ashamed of how they feel. I know I 100% have felt both of these things.

These are all real emotions. The overstimulation, feeling a little out of control, stir crazy being home and attending littles and house chores all day long every day, hormones and emotions out of whack, overlooked or underappreciated, and the list goes on…these are all real, legitimate feelings that aren’t always vocalized.

Motherhood is the wildest ride. You love your children more than anything in the whole world and would sacrifice anything for them, and yet you feel drained because you sacrifice everything every day for them. You crave a break, and yet when they aren’t around you don’t feel completely whole without them and miss them.

I will be honest, my prayer life has suffered since becoming a mom. I have zero time alone, and once I get Andres to bed, I have to make dinner, clean up, and I am out of my mind exhausted by the time I finish. I rather sit in front of a funny show and not think than sit down and pray which typically results in me falling asleep anyways. Please tell me I am not the only one who struggles with this!

I have been teaching Andres to stop and take a deep breath in and out when he gets worked up. I need to practice this myself!

I am learning that I don’t have to strive so much. I need to learn to rest in the Father again. To abide in Him and press into His strength in those moments where I want to throw a fit like my toddler.

I have been trying to create better habits and practice discipline. I have recognized that if I want to see a difference in my attitude and see breakthrough for our family, then I have to stop falling into the pattern of laziness, step it up, and be the prayer warrior God has made me to be.

I was talking with my brother a while back, and he shared with me that he had good Jesus time just sitting with the Lord and journaling. I responded with, “Man I envy you. I haven’t had that time since becoming a mom!” And his response was so simple yet challenged me. He reminded me that prayer doesn’t have to look a certain way. He encouraged me to have “breath prayers” throughout the day. Prayer is just talking to God and inviting Him into every moment whether you have a rare quiet moment, scrubbing a toilet, or telling your child, “no,” for the 50th time in 10 minutes.

We carry so much as women, and we have to remember to take it all to the feet of Jesus. Here are some Scriptures that have really encouraged and also challenged me in this season.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -Psalm 73:26

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matthew 11:28–29

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. -James 1:19-20

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. -Colossians 3:12

But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. -2 Corinthians 12:9

Children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). They are our greatest gifts from Jesus! When my patience is being tested and I have no idea how to handle things, I remember that God created me to be Andres’ mama. He knew that Andres would be determined, and He has entrusted me to handle his strong little personality.

My boy–soon boys– are my little disciples. They are watching how I respond to chaos and stress, how I serve those around me, how I pull out my Bible every day (or maybe leave it on the shelf some days), how I handle conflict or hard news…they are watching my life, and they will reflect everything I do. My actions and the way I live will always speak louder than the words that come out of my mouth. I want the way I live to show Jesus and not my flesh. I want my words to speak life over them.

So I cling to these verses. I daily have to take my burdens to the feet of Jesus (trying to fully leave them there and not pick them up again!), and I work on practicing self control. For the little eyes that are watching and learning from me every day.

I know that one day my house will be empty, smashed up cheerios won’t be thrown all over the floor, Old McDonald won’t be in the background on repeat, I won’t have scribble marks all over the pages of my Bible, there won’t be a baby reaching to come sit on my lap as I go to the bathroom, I will have a full nights’ sleep but without a little hand wrapped around my neck, and I won’t have little voice hollering, “mama” as I clean up another mess of rice and beans smeared into my floor. As chaotic as all this sounds, I know I will miss each and every one of these seemingly “frustrating” moments.

Don’t grow weary mama. You may not get to clock out from a long day of work right now, but your hard work has an eternal impact. Your mini disciple is watching and learning from you.

The backwards way

About two weeks ago I was at the store with my sister, our friend, and my son. I was pushing our cart into the check out area eager to get home, eat, and get my sleepyhead baby a nap. Then out of nowhere an older man cut me off, stepping right in front of the cart. I froze half in shock and half in frustration. I was already in the lane in between the candy bars and all the things they put out to make you spend more at the last minute, I was sure that our spot in line was secure. I think my irritation was painted all over my face because this man then decided to turn to me, lifting up his items in his hands as if to say, “I only have two things so I thought it’d be okay to push my way in front of you.” I looked down at our cart of five items and gave him an annoyed shrug. Right as I was about to express my frustration in English to my sister (I live in the DR where Spanish is the main language), he tried to strike up a conversation in English. All three of us were not having it and just ready for this guy to check out and get out of our way.

That night I was playing the whole situation over in my head, and you know what, I felt convicted. Why was it that I was so annoyed? The Holy Spirit started to reveal to me all the ways I allow my flesh to lead instead of denying it. And my mind started to unravel from this silly instance in the supermarket to all these other similar experiences I’ve had living here and how I just want justice for little things that have happened. Then it got me thinking, the way of the Kingdom is SO opposite of the way of the world.

Jesus teaches us:

When someone hurts you, turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39)

Seek what is good for others (1 Thessalonians 5:15)

Live in harmony and don’t repay evil for evil or insult of insult (1 Peter 3:8-10)

Not to take revenge into our hands (Romans 12:19)

Love our enemies, and give to others expecting nothing in return (like 6:35)

Pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44)

I could keep going on and on. I don’t know about you, but when someone does me wrong, my initial response isn’t to pray for them, give to them, and definitely not to love them. My fleshly mind immediately kicks in and thinks of some snarky come back to take a jab at them. This is what society teaches us. It’s been drilled into us to always been on defense and look out for ourselves.

But this is not how Jesus has instructed us. This is not the Kingdom way. We are called to be set a part from what the world looks like. This includes how we respond to others when they have wronged us, or even something silly like cutting in front of us at the grocery store. Or if you live in the crazy DR, when a moto hits you and tries to run. Because of sin, we live in a fallen world where things like this are inevitably going to happen. Jesus warns us in Luke 17:1 that offenses are bound to come, but we don’t have to get offended by them.

We have been given the mind of Christ, so we don’t have to bow to defensive thoughts when they arise. When these offenses come, we need to deny our flesh and ask the Holy Spirit to kick in for us where we feel weak. We are to live like our perfect example, Jesus, who did things backwards from how society did things. And that’s how we are supposed to live, opposite of the world. It may look backwards to many, but it is honoring in Christ’s eyes.

I hope that the next time someone cuts me off in line—I mean I expect this because Dominicans tend to do it often— I respond more out of grace than irritation. I want to live backwards from the world. It’s the Kingdom way.

Weaknesses And All

Have you ever caught yourself offering God excuses over responding out of obedience? There have been numerous times where I have felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to do something, but I immediately tried to justify why I wouldn’t be the right person for the job.

I think a lot of our excuses are rooted out of our comfortability or our insecurities. We seek to avoid awkward or difficult situations. We rather stay in our comfort zone than step out in submission to what God wants us to do. It is a struggle with the flesh, am I right?

I am sure that you have heard the saying, “God doesn’t call the qualified. He qualifies the called.’ This is something I hear ALL the time in the Christian community. And I believe it fits perfectly with what I am talking about.

There is a passage in the Bible that I recently reread and it left me feeling a little convicted. It is a story I am sure many are familiar with…that is the story of Moses.

Moses was born Hebrew but raised by Pharaoh’s daughter. I just imagine the tug Moses must have felt as he was raised in an Egyptian household but was Hebrew by blood. After killing an Egyptian and fleeing to Midian, God later spoke to Moses through a burning bush. Can you imagine being in the presence of the Most High, and Him directly speaking to you? It was there that God told Moses how He saw the oppression of the Israelites under the Egyptians, and He called Moses to rescue them.

What did Moses say in response? He questioned God. “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and that I should bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11) Moses went back and forth with the Lord for a little while until he finally told God, “Look I am not an eloquent speaker.” As if God didn’t already know this.

I LOVE God’s response to Moses.

“Who created your mouth? Who gave you a tongue to speak?” (Exodus 4)

This got me thinking…how many times do we make excuses to the One who CREATED us and knows us better than we know ourselves? He designed us and knows our weaknesses and what areas we lack in. Yet He still wants to use us and all of our imperfections to grow His Kingdom or set the captives free. And He will be magnified through our inabilities.

God used Moses–timidness, excuses, and all– to bring the Israelites into the promiseland and free them from the hand of the Egyptians.

Now I ask you…what is it that is holding you back from being fully obedient to the Holy Spirit is calling you to do? Do you feel insufficient, uncomfortable, maybe afraid?

Remember that the One who knit you together and knew your name before you were born is the same One who desires to use you. It doesn’t matter if you feel unequipped or inadequate, God can and wants to use it all!