Journey to Dominican

Patient Endurance

Therefore, we do not give up. Even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day. For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory. So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.

2 Corinthians 4:16-18

About a week ago I celebrated my two year anniversary of living here in the DR. I have been reflecting on what God has done and playing back every minute of this journey in my head. I think about the fresh out of college girl who packed up three suitcases and a backpack of her things, jumped on a plane, and headed to the

Dominican with such eagerness to dive into relational ministry. It hadn’t hit me that I was saying goodbye to my family or life in the states until I shut my bedroom door and cried myself to sleep my first night here. I think about sleeping (well attempting to sleep) in a very old bunkbed in a house that is more like a cave for five months. I look back on how lonely this season has been and how much I craved depth and life with others, but how God used this loneliness to make Himself my One and Only. I laugh back on all the times I said the wrong word in Spanish and humiliated myself, or all the things that kept falling a part around me. I think back on the spiritual battles that I have experienced, and how God has strengthened me to persevere through really hard times. There are so many specific moments running through my head, and it would be so easy for me to just say how hard this time has been. But over all this time, the one thing that sticks out to me the most is that Jesus’ hand has been on every piece of my story, AND He has not finished writing the story. He has been pulling out all the gunk that separates me from Him, sharpening me, and producing a much deeper hunger and faith inside of me through this time.

As many of my favorite worship songs in Spanish would say, “DIOS ES FIEL. EL NUNCA FALLARÁ” (God is faithful. He will never fail).

My husband, Alan, and I have experienced some really hard things lately, and we have both felt really exhausted from the fight (not fighting each other, but just everything life throws at us together). As we are establishing what a life together looks like, our number one desire and priority has been that Christ is our foundation. We have been having many conversations about what an eternal perspective looks like, making worship our warfare, and how God is refining us in these trying times. I love these conversations and feel so encouraged, but I will be straight with you… Sometimes, I lose that eternal perspective and I just want to lock myself in a room and be angry about another door closing on us.

I love these verses from 2 Corinthians. Paul is talking to the church of Corinth about the persecution that he has experienced during his ministry, but he goes on to proclaim Jesus’ name in spite of everything that he has endured. Later in chapter five, Paul explains that we walk by faith and not by sight (5:7). Gah, I LOVE the Pauline epistles, and I cannot wait to chat it up with Paul in Heaven someday.

I love this idea of “patient endurance,” or, “active waiting.” We know that we will experience hardship in this world, Jesus came right out and said it in the Word. But what would it look like if we took our focus off of what is in front of us and fixed our gaze on the One who renewing us?

Believe me, I am writing to myself as well. I have been working so hard on changing my perspective and even the way I speak to reflect Christ more than my frustrations. Before 2021 hit, I had been super lazy in my Jesus time. It was more of a “to do” and cross of my list for the day rather than a hunger for the Word and desire to spend time praying. One super duper easy and practical way that I have found that is changing my perspective from earthly to eternal is waking up early and making sure I have sacred time with Jesus. I do not know about you, but if I have not read my Bible or prayed first thing in the morning, I am just not me for the rest of the day. Also, worship. Worship ushers in God’s presence, and my whole home feels different/ my attitude changes when I have worship playing throughout the day. These two simple yet super powerful things have given me strength to patiently endure.

I do not know what battle you are facing, but if you have made it this far in the blog, know that I am praying for you. My prayer is that He would strengthen and empower you, lifting your chin from all the problems surrounding you to the One who holds all the solutions. Be encouraged, for the “momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory (2 Corinthians 4:17).

This Is What Faithfulness Looks Like

Sometimes life throws major curve balls at you that smack you right in the face. Unfortunately, I have been hit by many of life’s curve balls lately, and I am feeling beat.

Man, every day feels like a roller coaster of emotions with really incredible/exciting moments, trying and disappointing moments, and also just carrying the heaviness of everything going on all around.

When I was a freshman in college, there was a shop that had $20 tattoo day every Friday the 13th. One of my friends from cheerleading had shared this with my best friend and me as the next day was Friday the 13th. So we all planned to skip our New Testament class, head out of town, and hit up this place. When we got there, we discovered it was not a tattoo parlor, but more like a tattoo shack. But hey, $20 tattoos, am I right?

The place was hopping, and we waited for a while until our names were called. My best friend and I went back together and were seated next to each other. The lady who did mine was a little scary and definitely laughed in my face at my decision to have “be still” with a cross put on my shoulder. All my built up nervousness fell as she began to mark my body for the first time, and I did not feel any pain. Long story short, the artist that did my best friend’s tattoo had misspelled a word, and I could not help but laugh as she freaked out and rushed to get it fixed. A month or so later, I ended up at another sketchy parlor getting my second tattoo by an apprentice that read, “choose joy” on my wrist.

I write of these experiences because they are too funny not to share, but also, because I permanently marked my body with, “be still,” and, “choose joy,” to be my constant reminders. I am sad to say that I have not been living these out.

I have been meditating on a few verses that have made me realize that my heart has been UG-to-the-LY. Matthew 12:34 says that the mouth speaks what the heart is full of (ouch, what in the world has my heart been full of lately?!). Proverbs 18:21 says death and life are in the power of the tongue. And in Psalm 19:14 David cries out to the Lord asking that the words of his mouth and the meditation of his heart would be pleasing to his Lord, his Rock and Redeemer. This has been my prayer. In fact, I have these verses taped up in my kitchen to daily remind me how much power we hold in our tongue and what it reveals about the things we hold in our hearts.

For me, this is supposed to be the most exciting season of preparing for my wedding. Except when your lawyer to your apartment gives you the contract to your neighbor’s water bill and you’ve been paying that for months then lose water because your contract is considered “illegal” (this has literally been going on for two months now), you have been waiting on a toilet seat for two months, your car completely craps out on you after you’ve invested a lot to maintain it, you have a major filtration issue in your bathroom, or you do not get to share the hardest or most exciting things with your people because you live in another country, etc…then you start to feel worn down. Pardon my run on sentence, but life has been a loottt lately.

My vision has been so clouded and my perspective has been more worldly than eternal. I have really been working on taking on the posture of gratitude. Of finding things to be thankful for even when things feel like they are falling apart. So, I am going on three days without water now, and the water company was supposed to turn it on yesterday morning. Last night I was ANGRY. More like hangry. As I was cooking, I slammed my spatula down, and said, “alright God. I know you are working on me so here it is…” and through clenched teeth I told God the things that I am grateful for despite my frustration.

My wise momma Linda reminded me that this is what faithfulness looks like. Faithfulness is not always getting to see fruit bloom where you have planted seeds. Faithfulness is remaining steadfast, and declaring that God is good and will make a way even when you do not tangibly see it happening. Growing up, momma Linda always said, “we can do hard, Ashley. YOU can do hard.” And through these last few years, this has kept me going. We can do hard and endure because Christ’s grace is sufficient and His strength is made perfect in our weakness (2 Corinthians 12:9).

I share all of this because:

Writing has always been an outlet for me
When we suffer, we should be encouraged that we are sharing in Christ’s sufferings. 1 Peter 4:12-13 says we should not be surprised by trials that come to test us, but we should rejoice because we share in Christ’s sufferings and be glad when his glory is revealed.

I am still a mess, I am still working on choosing joy and being still every day. I am chugging along trying to be faithful in the everyday tasks. And this is all He requires of us. These Scriptures and nuggets that the Lord has been teaching me have brought me so much hope in this hard season, and I hope they meet you right where you are at as well.

RAIN

When I began my journey to the Dominican, I told myself that I would keep it real. That I would not sugar coat things, and that I would be honest about the struggles of missionary life. I have failed to do this. I have fallen into this pressure of trying to appear as though I have it all together. Part of this is because I live in a culture where everyone is always watching and talking-whether true or not, because I am seen as a leader and so others come to me when they are wrestling and I need to set myself aside, and so on. But the truth is, I have not been ok for a long time.

Today I cried out to God while in stand still traffic with the hot sun beating down on my car and no air conditioning. My Bruno bear was riding with me, slobber running out of his mouth due to the horrendous hot sun. As public cars were cutting me off, those around me were honking like crazy, and my poor pup was desperate for water, I sort of lost it.

This past year and nine months has been the hardest and loneliest season of my life. Finding people to click with and grow together with has been so hard. Ministry is demanding and sometimes so difficult when you work with a computer and do not always get to see the fruit of what you work so hard at. I am learning to be an adult in a new culture. Paying bills, maintaining the home, car, all of it looks very different here. Sometimes I schedule an appointment for a certain time then wait four hours for a person to show up, having to cancel my meetings for the afternoon, and then they tell me I must be patient and wait for them when I check why they have not arrived. On top of this, everything I touch seems to break. Thing after thing has an issue, needs fixed, or goes totally wrong.

I have been going and going for so long that I have forgotten what it is like to rest. I cannot even remember the last time I took time to do something for me or even what I would want to do if I had the time.

In July, I got on my knees, opened my palms and said, “God I am desperate to hear your voice. Speak to me.” He said, “this is faith. We walk by faith and not by sight.” Shortly after, I felt the Spirit whisper to me one simple word. “RAIN.” I had dreams of fire and then rain showers in my bedroom. As I went through my devotional, the author wrote about heavy clouds ready to explode and how God will release the rain, but we must stand under the cloud with arms open wide ready to receive all He has for us. When quarantine hit, I got plugged into a church based out of Orange County, CA called TFHOC. I have grown SO much worshipping and digging into the word with them from my couch. They recently did a series on RAIN.

These were just a few times that God kept reminding me, ‘hey Ashley, rain is on the way.” I write in my prayer journal often, “la lluvia está en camino.” But I am still waiting under the cloud, hoping it will burst and downpour soon.

Here is what I am learning as I stand under this cloud with my arms wide open:

IT IS OK TO WRESTLE. Man, I have really wrestled and asked God, “why?” lately. Last week, I wrote in my journal, “God where have you been?” Which is something I have never asked before. Wrestling produces depth and growth. It is in our wrestling that we learn to fight on our knees, the urgency of prayer and crying out to God. And He meets us here. He hears our cries and loves it when we call upon His name.
WORSHIP IN THE WILDERNESS. I love spontaneous worship where the leader does not just follow the lyrics in front of them, but they sing from their guts. They let the Holy Spirit lead and take the spotlight. I have been playing worship throughout my house and just trying to create an atmosphere that ushers in His presence.
PROCLAIM THAT GOD IS SOVEREIGN OVER IT ALL. This has really helped me. Whether sitting on your comfy couch, pushing a cart at the store, or sitting in your office chair, sometimes we need to declare out loud over our spirits and situations that God is good, He is unchanging, and He is fighting for us. Stating Truth over hard situations refocuses our attention and reminds the enemy that he is already defeated.
GOD IS OUR SOURCE. My prayer has always been that my eyes would be fixed on the Lord as my source of provision. Not my employers, wallet, significant other, nothing but Jesus. Fundraising to be a missionary was very intimidating to me (and it still is to be honest), but I knew that God honored big faith. So I asked boldly of Him to provide in full within five months, and He made it happen. During this hard time, He has reminded me of His constant faithfulness and the way that He shows up and provides exactly what I need in the most perfect timing (although sometimes I try to rush the process). He made mana rain down to fill the Israelites bellies and used ravens to carry food to Elijah and fill his belly. He made a way then, and He is still making a way now. HE IS A GOD OF MIRACLES.
CREATE THE COMMUNITY THAT YOU CRAVE. I have been really hurt in relationships in the states and here in the DR. Sometimes relationships feel one sided, and it stings a little. During this time of being physically separated from others, God has really been working on my heart and convicting me to fully forgive. In my disappointment and frustration, I have found myself shutting down to have relationships with others. But that is the enemy’s tactic. He comes to steal, kill, and destroy. He delights in making people feel divided and isolated. We must step out of the “poor me” mindset and pursue these deep, meaningful relationships even if we feel that we are the ones initiating it. Because it is worth it. Because we are designed for community. My momma Linda says, “lavish love.” Christ lavished love on those who spat at Him and mocked Him. Oh how I want to be more like our Jesus who went after those who rejected Him.
NO STRIVING JUST ABIDING. I do not know about you, but I am always on the go. I have like a thousand things on my to-do list and even more thoughts running through my head. I get so caught up in the “doing” that I forget to just “be.” I have found myself guilty of being more of a Martha than a Mary. I want to sit at the feet of Jesus more and listen to what is on His heart. I want to put the dirty dishes down, and just sit and linger in His presence. As I feel the cloud above me about to burst, I am reminded that this new season of rain will bring less striving and just abiding in Him.

When I dove into fundraising and preparing for the field, I prayed that my journey would inspire others and take them deeper in their walk. That God would show up in such mighty ways that would only point to Him and draw those around me into a more intimate relationship with Him. So every time I sit down to write, I tell God, “I want to say something that matters. I want to say something that hits home for someone or spurs them on in their faith.” I always pray before I start writing (and during) that God would speak through me to reach someone that needs encouragement. I want to be real and vulnerable as I journey through ministry, the Dominican culture, learning to be an adult, etc. and I pray that God uses it all to spark something in whoever reads (even if it is just one person it is worth it).

So if you are like me (and if you made it this far in the blog) keep standing under that cloud. Keep singing your guts out and proclaiming the goodness of God, keep standing firm when the enemy throws thing after thing at you and those you love, keep fighting for those friendships, keep pursuing the heart and presence of our Jesus That cloud will soon burst and God is going to down pour crazy refreshment on you.