It has been quite the week. Actually. Two months. Within the last couple months, we have fought chicken pox and influenza, spent way too much time in emergency rooms, lost a couple main sources of income, got ourselves into a whole lot of debt with high prices and medical bills and car fixes, and have really felt like we are just trying to keep our heads above water.
Our son has begun to have a mind of his own. He is nearing 2 years old, and he is as driven and independent as they come. I feel like he is constantly pushing boundaries, throwing fits, breaking things, hurting himself from doing dangerous things, or filling his diaper every 30 minutes because he has become a bottomless pit. Every moment is interrupted by him desiring my constant attention. I cannot remember the last time I went to the bathroom alone, took a shower that lasted more than 2 minutes, or enjoyed a hot cup of coffee.
I have been feeling really weary carrying all of these things while being a 7 month pregnant mama of a highly active 20 month old boy.
I am embarrassed to say how many times I have reacted to Andres or my surrounding situations out of how I feel or my emotions instead of practicing the fruits of the Spirit. I don’t think that moms talk enough about how draining motherhood can be, and then the majority end up feeling alone and sometimes ashamed of how they feel. I know I 100% have felt both of these things.
These are all real emotions. The overstimulation, feeling a little out of control, stir crazy being home and attending littles and house chores all day long every day, hormones and emotions out of whack, overlooked or underappreciated, and the list goes on…these are all real, legitimate feelings that aren’t always vocalized.
Motherhood is the wildest ride. You love your children more than anything in the whole world and would sacrifice anything for them, and yet you feel drained because you sacrifice everything every day for them. You crave a break, and yet when they aren’t around you don’t feel completely whole without them and miss them.
I will be honest, my prayer life has suffered since becoming a mom. I have zero time alone, and once I get Andres to bed, I have to make dinner, clean up, and I am out of my mind exhausted by the time I finish. I rather sit in front of a funny show and not think than sit down and pray which typically results in me falling asleep anyways. Please tell me I am not the only one who struggles with this!
I have been teaching Andres to stop and take a deep breath in and out when he gets worked up. I need to practice this myself!
I am learning that I don’t have to strive so much. I need to learn to rest in the Father again. To abide in Him and press into His strength in those moments where I want to throw a fit like my toddler.
I have been trying to create better habits and practice discipline. I have recognized that if I want to see a difference in my attitude and see breakthrough for our family, then I have to stop falling into the pattern of laziness, step it up, and be the prayer warrior God has made me to be.
I was talking with my brother a while back, and he shared with me that he had good Jesus time just sitting with the Lord and journaling. I responded with, “Man I envy you. I haven’t had that time since becoming a mom!” And his response was so simple yet challenged me. He reminded me that prayer doesn’t have to look a certain way. He encouraged me to have “breath prayers” throughout the day. Prayer is just talking to God and inviting Him into every moment whether you have a rare quiet moment, scrubbing a toilet, or telling your child, “no,” for the 50th time in 10 minutes.
We carry so much as women, and we have to remember to take it all to the feet of Jesus. Here are some Scriptures that have really encouraged and also challenged me in this season.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -Psalm 73:26
Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matthew 11:28–29
Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. -James 1:19-20
Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. -Colossians 3:12
But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. -2 Corinthians 12:9
Children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). They are our greatest gifts from Jesus! When my patience is being tested and I have no idea how to handle things, I remember that God created me to be Andres’ mama. He knew that Andres would be determined, and He has entrusted me to handle his strong little personality.
My boy–soon boys– are my little disciples. They are watching how I respond to chaos and stress, how I serve those around me, how I pull out my Bible every day (or maybe leave it on the shelf some days), how I handle conflict or hard news…they are watching my life, and they will reflect everything I do. My actions and the way I live will always speak louder than the words that come out of my mouth. I want the way I live to show Jesus and not my flesh. I want my words to speak life over them.
So I cling to these verses. I daily have to take my burdens to the feet of Jesus (trying to fully leave them there and not pick them up again!), and I work on practicing self control. For the little eyes that are watching and learning from me every day.
I know that one day my house will be empty, smashed up cheerios won’t be thrown all over the floor, Old McDonald won’t be in the background on repeat, I won’t have scribble marks all over the pages of my Bible, there won’t be a baby reaching to come sit on my lap as I go to the bathroom, I will have a full nights’ sleep but without a little hand wrapped around my neck, and I won’t have little voice hollering, “mama” as I clean up another mess of rice and beans smeared into my floor. As chaotic as all this sounds, I know I will miss each and every one of these seemingly “frustrating” moments.
Don’t grow weary mama. You may not get to clock out from a long day of work right now, but your hard work has an eternal impact. Your mini disciple is watching and learning from you.
Journey to Dominican 