JESUS – Journey to Dominican

Weary Mama

It has been quite the week. Actually. Two months. Within the last couple months, we have fought chicken pox and influenza, spent way too much time in emergency rooms, lost a couple main sources of income, got ourselves into a whole lot of debt with high prices and medical bills and car fixes, and have really felt like we are just trying to keep our heads above water.

Our son has begun to have a mind of his own. He is nearing 2 years old, and he is as driven and independent as they come. I feel like he is constantly pushing boundaries, throwing fits, breaking things, hurting himself from doing dangerous things, or filling his diaper every 30 minutes because he has become a bottomless pit. Every moment is interrupted by him desiring my constant attention. I cannot remember the last time I went to the bathroom alone, took a shower that lasted more than 2 minutes, or enjoyed a hot cup of coffee.

I have been feeling really weary carrying all of these things while being a 7 month pregnant mama of a highly active 20 month old boy.

I am embarrassed to say how many times I have reacted to Andres or my surrounding situations out of how I feel or my emotions instead of practicing the fruits of the Spirit. I don’t think that moms talk enough about how draining motherhood can be, and then the majority end up feeling alone and sometimes ashamed of how they feel. I know I 100% have felt both of these things.

These are all real emotions. The overstimulation, feeling a little out of control, stir crazy being home and attending littles and house chores all day long every day, hormones and emotions out of whack, overlooked or underappreciated, and the list goes on…these are all real, legitimate feelings that aren’t always vocalized.

Motherhood is the wildest ride. You love your children more than anything in the whole world and would sacrifice anything for them, and yet you feel drained because you sacrifice everything every day for them. You crave a break, and yet when they aren’t around you don’t feel completely whole without them and miss them.

I will be honest, my prayer life has suffered since becoming a mom. I have zero time alone, and once I get Andres to bed, I have to make dinner, clean up, and I am out of my mind exhausted by the time I finish. I rather sit in front of a funny show and not think than sit down and pray which typically results in me falling asleep anyways. Please tell me I am not the only one who struggles with this!

I have been teaching Andres to stop and take a deep breath in and out when he gets worked up. I need to practice this myself!

I am learning that I don’t have to strive so much. I need to learn to rest in the Father again. To abide in Him and press into His strength in those moments where I want to throw a fit like my toddler.

I have been trying to create better habits and practice discipline. I have recognized that if I want to see a difference in my attitude and see breakthrough for our family, then I have to stop falling into the pattern of laziness, step it up, and be the prayer warrior God has made me to be.

I was talking with my brother a while back, and he shared with me that he had good Jesus time just sitting with the Lord and journaling. I responded with, “Man I envy you. I haven’t had that time since becoming a mom!” And his response was so simple yet challenged me. He reminded me that prayer doesn’t have to look a certain way. He encouraged me to have “breath prayers” throughout the day. Prayer is just talking to God and inviting Him into every moment whether you have a rare quiet moment, scrubbing a toilet, or telling your child, “no,” for the 50th time in 10 minutes.

We carry so much as women, and we have to remember to take it all to the feet of Jesus. Here are some Scriptures that have really encouraged and also challenged me in this season.

My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. -Psalm 73:26

Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. -Matthew 11:28–29

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires. -James 1:19-20

Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. -Colossians 3:12

But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness. -2 Corinthians 12:9

Children are a heritage from the Lord (Psalm 127:3). They are our greatest gifts from Jesus! When my patience is being tested and I have no idea how to handle things, I remember that God created me to be Andres’ mama. He knew that Andres would be determined, and He has entrusted me to handle his strong little personality.

My boy–soon boys– are my little disciples. They are watching how I respond to chaos and stress, how I serve those around me, how I pull out my Bible every day (or maybe leave it on the shelf some days), how I handle conflict or hard news…they are watching my life, and they will reflect everything I do. My actions and the way I live will always speak louder than the words that come out of my mouth. I want the way I live to show Jesus and not my flesh. I want my words to speak life over them.

So I cling to these verses. I daily have to take my burdens to the feet of Jesus (trying to fully leave them there and not pick them up again!), and I work on practicing self control. For the little eyes that are watching and learning from me every day.

I know that one day my house will be empty, smashed up cheerios won’t be thrown all over the floor, Old McDonald won’t be in the background on repeat, I won’t have scribble marks all over the pages of my Bible, there won’t be a baby reaching to come sit on my lap as I go to the bathroom, I will have a full nights’ sleep but without a little hand wrapped around my neck, and I won’t have little voice hollering, “mama” as I clean up another mess of rice and beans smeared into my floor. As chaotic as all this sounds, I know I will miss each and every one of these seemingly “frustrating” moments.

Don’t grow weary mama. You may not get to clock out from a long day of work right now, but your hard work has an eternal impact. Your mini disciple is watching and learning from you.

The backwards way

About two weeks ago I was at the store with my sister, our friend, and my son. I was pushing our cart into the check out area eager to get home, eat, and get my sleepyhead baby a nap. Then out of nowhere an older man cut me off, stepping right in front of the cart. I froze half in shock and half in frustration. I was already in the lane in between the candy bars and all the things they put out to make you spend more at the last minute, I was sure that our spot in line was secure. I think my irritation was painted all over my face because this man then decided to turn to me, lifting up his items in his hands as if to say, “I only have two things so I thought it’d be okay to push my way in front of you.” I looked down at our cart of five items and gave him an annoyed shrug. Right as I was about to express my frustration in English to my sister (I live in the DR where Spanish is the main language), he tried to strike up a conversation in English. All three of us were not having it and just ready for this guy to check out and get out of our way.

That night I was playing the whole situation over in my head, and you know what, I felt convicted. Why was it that I was so annoyed? The Holy Spirit started to reveal to me all the ways I allow my flesh to lead instead of denying it. And my mind started to unravel from this silly instance in the supermarket to all these other similar experiences I’ve had living here and how I just want justice for little things that have happened. Then it got me thinking, the way of the Kingdom is SO opposite of the way of the world.

Jesus teaches us:

When someone hurts you, turn the other cheek (Matthew 5:39)

Seek what is good for others (1 Thessalonians 5:15)

Live in harmony and don’t repay evil for evil or insult of insult (1 Peter 3:8-10)

Not to take revenge into our hands (Romans 12:19)

Love our enemies, and give to others expecting nothing in return (like 6:35)

Pray for those who persecute you (Matthew 5:44)

I could keep going on and on. I don’t know about you, but when someone does me wrong, my initial response isn’t to pray for them, give to them, and definitely not to love them. My fleshly mind immediately kicks in and thinks of some snarky come back to take a jab at them. This is what society teaches us. It’s been drilled into us to always been on defense and look out for ourselves.

But this is not how Jesus has instructed us. This is not the Kingdom way. We are called to be set a part from what the world looks like. This includes how we respond to others when they have wronged us, or even something silly like cutting in front of us at the grocery store. Or if you live in the crazy DR, when a moto hits you and tries to run. Because of sin, we live in a fallen world where things like this are inevitably going to happen. Jesus warns us in Luke 17:1 that offenses are bound to come, but we don’t have to get offended by them.

We have been given the mind of Christ, so we don’t have to bow to defensive thoughts when they arise. When these offenses come, we need to deny our flesh and ask the Holy Spirit to kick in for us where we feel weak. We are to live like our perfect example, Jesus, who did things backwards from how society did things. And that’s how we are supposed to live, opposite of the world. It may look backwards to many, but it is honoring in Christ’s eyes.

I hope that the next time someone cuts me off in line—I mean I expect this because Dominicans tend to do it often— I respond more out of grace than irritation. I want to live backwards from the world. It’s the Kingdom way.

Tough Skin and Tender Hearts: Bye Bye Bitterness

My first couple years in the Dominican Republic were really lonely. I was sort of thrown in to work and the culture while left to figure a lot out on my own. There is a whole lot that happened during these years that God has been healing me from even years later.

After my husband and I left this ministry, we felt really discouraged and hurt. I am such a relational person, and those years took a toll on me. So, I began to shut people out, and I allowed resentment to take root in my heart.

I craved depth and connection, yet I would unconsciously push people out because I was so wounded. It wasn’t until I was stuck in the United States for 3 months waiting on a visa, thousands of miles away from my new husband (at the time), that the Holy Spirit spoke directly to me and called me out. He showed me that I was stuck in a cycle of unforgiveness, and I had to break that cycle and forgive in order to experience freedom and depth again. I spent so much time on the cold, wooden floor of the house I grew up in crying out to God to help me. I had no idea where to start in my journey of forgiving. Little by little, year by year (yes, it has taken many years–and He is still working on me!), the Holy Spirit started to soften my heart and show me how to love those I felt had hurt me.

I have been reflecting a lot on all my years here, and how far the Lord has brought me. Seriously, it is only by His hand and His mercy that I am who I am and where I am today.

Over the past year and a half, God has given me a tender heart to love and to receive love again. I have even seen Him use the things that my husband and I have gone through to help me have more compassion on others and be able to better relate to them. Pain can either make you more bitter, or it can make you more compassionate. We get to choose what kind of person we want to be.

My husband and I have an INCREDIBLE church family who has come around us in some really difficult moments. We have found fellowship with others who are after the same things of Christ as we are. God has surrounded us with coworkers who have poured into us and have been so generous with us as we step into this new season of welcoming our sweet, baby boy into the world. I am in awe of the Lord and the work He has done in both my heart and my husband’s.

It is an everyday choice to forgive. I ask the Lord to guard our hearts from unforgiveness. It is breeding ground for the enemy, friends. I pray often that God gives us thick skin and tender hearts. We do not have to carry everything people do or say to us, but we do need to love and demonstrate grace. God will take care of the rest.

I think about bringing our son into the world and the things that I want to teach him. I want our boy to know that we must always be quick to forgive and never harbor hurt feelings. It is something I must continue to work on, so that I can train him well!

If I have learned anything over these years, it is that relationships and connection are worth it. We were made for community. And the enemy loves to isolate us. BUT we have the ability to recognize his schemes, and the Holy Spirit gives us the authority to shut him down and say bye bye to bitterness.