I was sort of a tom girl in elementary school. I played basketball with the boys and would race them down my driveway on my skateboard. I had this really big crush on a neighbor boy who I swore liked me back (you know how we read into EVERYTHING as young girls and assume our crush is into us too). But then he started pursuing one of my friends who was much more popular, athletic, and beautiful. I was devastated.
A lot of my growing up years consisted of me being the third wheel on dates with my friends that would switch out their boyfriend every other month or so. I remember one of the first times I third wheeled. I didn’t even realize it until my friend later pulled me aside and asked me, “What are you doing?! You are sitting right in the middle of us!” I then realized that I was the one boy friend-less and left out. For the rest of the date I felt out of place, trying to pretend I wasn’t there by plugging in this little mp3 player that only had some Lizzie McGuire songs on it and fading into the background.
I thought college would be my time. That I would meet my long awaited future husband and be able to share that season of life with my friends who were getting married left and right. Ring by spring was actually the motto at the university I went to. But alas, college too was a season of singleness and longing for me.
At one point I felt so crushed that I had given up hope that I would find my person. I remember some days after classes, I would drive out in the country, roll down my windows, and just talk to God about my future husband. I would cry a lot and wonder why my time hasn’t come yet. I would tell God the list of things that I desired in a man, and that he would be my best friend who would point me more to Jesus every single day.
Maybe you have been there too. You’ve played the third wheel on dates, felt overlooked or the last one picked, and have longed to be seen and noticed. Or maybe these are fresh feelings for you as you are walking through this right now. Wherever you are, the feelings you have are real and valid, and you are not walking through them alone.
One thing that I HATED hearing over and over was, “You are so great! God has the perfect timing and your guy will be so amazing.” Oh how statements like these made me want to rip my hair out. I was grateful for my friends that wanted to encourage me, but how stinking cliche, right? Sometimes I wanted to scream, “what do you even know!” But, of course, I would refrain myself by smiling and giving a soft, “thanks.” The truth is that no matter how sweet or thoughtful of friends we have, nothing is going to take away that feeling of longing to have your person.
So what in the world are we supposed to do in the waiting? How do we stay hopeful as our hearts crave that deep connection and intimacy with another? Well friend, I am glad you asked. I want to share with you a few key things that I learned and did as I prepared my longing heart for who Jesus had set aside for me.
–Know that you are whole and complete in Jesus without any man/woman. You lack absolutely nada. Gah, I cannot emphasize this enough. I always thought that as soon as I would find my person, I would be complete. Maybe it was because I had read Nicholas Sparks’ books in high school and watched one too many romantic movies. But now that I am married, I can tell you…nothing and no one (NOT even your significant other) will ever fill those deep desires or fill those gaps in your heart. The truth is that as we put our hope or worth in anything or anyone other than Jesus, we will end up feeling even more empty or disappointed. Know that you are whole in Jesus, and own it, walk confidently in that. With or without a significant other.
–Actively wait by preparing your heart. Dive deep into your pursuit of Jesus. Seek to have an intimate relationship with Him. In these sacred moments with Jesus is where you will find your hope and strength in the waiting. Where you can know with such certainty that your longing heart is seen and held. Pray for yourself and ask God to show you the areas in your life where He wants to sharpen you and prepare you for your future spouse. One thing I have learned in marriage is that we each have to be in constant pursuit of Jesus-separately and together- in order for our marriage to work. Jesus is our glue. So chase hard after Jesus and your person will come up right beside you to join you and run with you.
–Pray pray pray for your future spouse. I would often talk to Jesus about the man of my prayers. I told Jesus specific things that I desired or wanted to cover him with in prayer. Here are a few of the things that were on my list:
–praying over his character, that he desired to do what honored Jesus in public and in private
–that Jesus would shape him to be a leader and passionate about making disciples
–that he was hard working and strong mentally, physically, emotionally, and spiritually yet tender to me and the things of Lord
These are just some of the specific things I prayed for. As I shared with Jesus about the godly man I wanted, I found slices of hope to sustain my longing heart. This is the big thing I want to share with you too: be specific in your prayers! God loves when we come to Him with specific prayers and ask in faith knowing He is able. And let me tell you, God came through. My Alan literally is the man of my prayers–even the most specific details. I truly believe it is because I covered him in prayer in my time of waiting. Anytime I felt lonely or overlooked, I would immediately start talking to God about “him” even though I had no idea who “he” was at that time. So pray pray pray. Talk to God about the things you long for, and be specific!
I know how hard this season of waiting can be. I know what it is like to want to just feel heard and seen and not given advice. And for that, I wish I could buy you coffee and just hear your heart. In sharing these little nuggets that I have learned, I hope that they help you find slices of hope as you wait. May Jesus comfort and sustain your longing heart, friend.
Journey to Dominican 