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GODFIDENCE

I promised myself that if I was going to start writing, I would keep it real and raw. So I will come right out and say it…I am a recovering people pleaser. I have been playing a game of tug and war with myself. At one end of the rope, I have these dreams and passions inside of me that I want to branch out and try. Then at the opposite end of the rope, I have this little fear of how others will respond. This inward battle has been going on for far too long, and I am ready to release the control that I have allowed others’ words or opinions to have on me in order to step into the fullness of life that God has created me for. To walk confidently with God. To walk with Godfidence.

Now, holler out if you feel me. 

During my Jesus time this morning, I was reading about how our actions-righteous or not-mean absolutely nothing if our hearts are in the wrong place. I have read many passages about how the Lord looks at our heart, but this morning I sat with my pen in hand and just poured all my thoughts out onto the pages of my prayer journal. As I was scribbling down word after word, I started to realize that my heart has been in the wrong place. Instead of aiming to please God, sometimes I aim to please others. 

I am learning to find my voice, but for so many years I have remained quiet. I have not always spoken up when someone asks what I want or even when they ask my opinion. I have so many creative juices flowing in my brain, but I have not always shared them because I am not sure how others will respond to my ideas. I have worked so hard to keep the peace with others, that I have worn myself down. Now, if you are a recovering people pleaser like me, I am sure you fully understand how exhausting it can be. We get caught up in the striving. Striving to maintain a certain image or striving to say the right thing so no one leaves offended (which by the way a little nugget of wisdom that I have learned is that we can speak truth in love rather than staying silent).  But Jesus has not called us to strive, He has called us to abide. 

The Lord has been saying some really hard words to me this year in molding me to be more like Him. People pleasing is one of them. Why do we get so caught up in what others think rather than walking confidently in what God says about us? Why do we allow others to have control over us (most times they are completely unaware) and the words we utter or the dreams we chase? Why have we allowed our motivations to be more about pleasing others than pleasing the One who has created us?

If you are like me, you probably have so many passions and meaningful words that God is brewing inside of you. You may even feel as though you are about to burst. Please friend, do not allow fear of what others may think or do hinder you from living in the fulfillment that God has created you for. If God has placed a gift or passion on your heart, it is for a purpose. It is for His purpose.

So when you are about to make a huge leap of faith or share that inspiring thought that encouraged your spirit and that little piece of people pleaser in you starts to back out, remind yourself of whose opinion really matters. Are we living for the approval of others or of Christ? Walk in that God given confidence where you are equipped and cheered on when you run after all He has called you to. Walk in Godfidence.

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Fully Known and Fully Loved

Alan and I love playing games. We love card games, board games, word games, you name it- we play it. I remember the first time that he told me he loved me. We were playing Dutch Blitz, and it just sort of came out. All I could say was, “what?” as it hit me that what we had was real. Then we did not even talk about it until the next day where I shared that I loved him as well. 

I keep thinking back on how our story started, the crazy obstacles that we have overcome, and I look at how much stronger we are today. Looking back to the day where I confessed my love to Alan, I knew that I did not want to use that word lightly. We both knew early on in our relationship that we were for each other. We never doubted that, but I did not want to throw that famous, “L” word around until I knew that it was not just a feeling but that I wanted to choose him in the happy and the ugly moments.

A few months ago we were out and about doing our Saturday errands. I was feeling very ushey gushy with him and admiring the way he loves and leads so well. We were waiting in line and as I looked at him with hearts in my eyes, the phrase, “fully known and fully loved” came to my mind. I began thinking about some really difficult times where the words that came out of my mouth reflected the ugly anger and bitterness that I allowed to take root in my heart. In those moments, Alan responded with such grace and love. 

Life is like a roller coaster. The book of Ecclesiastes reminds us that there is a season for everything. We have days of celebrations, seasons of loneliness, moments of laughter, hours of tears, and the list goes on. One of my favorite parts about  marriage is that the Lord has given us the gift of each other to ride this roller coaster of life together. 

When married, every little weird habit that you have,  insecurity you fight, selfish thought you have, food you eat all come to the surface. You are the most vulnerable with the one person that you want to think the highest of you. You are fully seen and known, and yet fully loved despite any flaws or inner battles you face. 

Jump back to the day that I was all lovey dovey with my husband and the words, “fully known and fully loved,” were swimming around in my head. As I explained my thoughts to Alan, a sense of awe rushed over me as I realized this is how our Heavenly Father is with us.

 Man, no one sees the ugly, real, raw us better than Jesus. He has a front row seat to what is going on in our brains and our hearts. But here is the catch, He does not look away and leave us where we are at. Instead, He reaches further towards us, He pursues us like no one ever will, and He desires an intimate relationship with us. Read that again. The Lord has a front row seat to each and every thought you think and thing you harbor in your heart. And yet, He desires a relationship with you. With Christ, you are not overlooked, you are not cast to the side, you are not written off as too far gone or unworthy. No. You are desired, you are beloved, you are chosen. You are fully seen, fully heard, fully known, and fully loved. 

And as we allow this truth to seep deep into us, it begins to transform us and the way we love others. As we find this confidence in Christ (I like to call this Godfidence), it stirs a desire in us to live and love like Him. My Alan and I fully see each other and fully love each other solely because Christ fully sees us and fully loves us first. Without God’s crazy love for us, we are just fully seen, or you could even say exposed, period. But because of His wild love for us, we are fully known and fully loved which flows into every other relationship that we have. 

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Dear Younger Me…

Dear Younger Me,

You have such a thrilling, stretching, and fruitful journey ahead of you. Right now, you are probably overwhelmed by the decision of what to wear to school, feeling lonely because you are the third-wheel yet again, feeling home sick to be in the Dominican but have no idea how in the world that will happen, and dreaming about whoever “he” is while also being scared to death to put yourself out there. There are so many things that I want to tell you, and as I start to write to you, I am just overwhelmed by the goodness of God. Listen intently as I share pieces of wisdom from the years of testing, waiting, and seeing the faithful hand of the Lord all over your life…

  • Fall so in love with Jesus. I know how your heart longs for a man and you think that he will bring you all the joy and happiness and yada yada. But no man, no one, no thing, will satisfy your heart like sweet Jesus. He is constant, never changing, the One who wraps His big comforting arms around you when you feel like you are drowning, and the One who puts a new song of praise on your lips. Pursue Him with everything inside of you. Be in constant pursuit of His heart and His presence. 
  • NEVER give up on relationships. God has designed you to love deeply. Over the years, you have let one little cut after another build and brew into bitterness. This, dear one, is not how God designed you. Do not put your worth in silly boys or your friendships. But instead, walk confidently knowing that your value is found in Jesus, and He created you for community. As your wise momma Linda says, “you were made to lavish love.” Even when it feels one sided, fight for friendship and love without a hidden agenda. 
  • Keep persevering and clinging to God as your strength. The road is long. You will experience hurtful comments, isolation, depression, and many things that may seem like setbacks. Oh, but let me tell you that the Lord is doing something new. He is going to take all this brokenness, pain, and frustration and use it to grow His Kingdom. You have to go through the bad to get to the good. Each little thing that you face is shaping you to be a mighty leader, prayer warrior, and someone who walks by faith. 
  • Have an eternal mindset. You worry about things that do not matter. From being fearful to speak because of what others may think (you are still a recovering people pleaser, but we are working on that), your clothing, finances, your next huge paper that is due. Yes, be diligent in all that you juggle; however, do not let these momentary things consume you. Set your mind on things above. Ask the Lord what is on His heart. I know that your heart so breaks for what breaks His. Keep asking Him to give you His lens for this broken world. Look for ways to be His hands and feet, and take on the Kingdom mindset.
  • Pray fiercely, specifically, and endlessly. I know it can be intimidating to pray out loud, but God has created you to be a prayer warrior. He has created you to fight on your knees in prayer for those around you. The Lord hears your cries. In fact, He cries out with you for the things that are heavy on your heart. Be in constant conversation with the Father.  Do not just do it in the morning to cross off your list because it is the correct Christian thing to do.  Invite Him into every aspect of your day from brushing your teeth to driving in your car. Pray boldly. God is going to answer some of your wildest prayers. 
  • Your man is coming, and you better hang on tight. You have spent many years watching all your friends date around, being the third wheel, longing for something deep and not surface level, and feeling overlooked and invisible to so many. I know how your heart aches for a man who fears the Lord, and you have given up hope. You are so driven and do not let anyone or thing stand in your way, and this is going to intimidate some.  You are exhausted from all of your married/ friends in serious relationships telling you, “You’re so great and beautiful, you’ll find an amazing guy someday!”  Yuck, how cliché, right?  Well, God has answered every single one of your specific prayers with your future husband. He is compassionate, discerning, a strong leader eager to make disciples, passionate and driven, and hard working. Yes, he only has eyes for you, and he will remind you daily of this. He will fight for you, lead you closer to the heart of the Father, and never stop feeling it. So keep falling more and more in love with Jesus as He prepares your heart for the incredible man He is shaping for you. 
  • Jesus is your source. You are going to face some really crazy, challenging moments-financially and spiritually. Know that you lack absolutely nothing in Christ. When you feel that you are completely drained, His Spirit will fill you and be your overflow. Rest in the knowing that the God of angel armies is always fighting for you and defending you. You also tend to worry a lot about money. Oh, but let me tell you that God always makes a way. As I write this to you, I laugh in awe because God has provided and gone above and beyond over and over again for you. NEVER ever forget that He is your source. Everything you have, everything you are is His. Position your heart towards gratitude. Keep working diligently and asking mightily, and watch as the hand of God works in your favor. Over and over again. 

I may have to write a second letter because I could keep sharing  the little nuggets of wisdom that I have learned along the way. You will never stop learning and growing. 

Know this, that you are a fighter. You can do hard. You will face many hard things. But you will also overcome them by the grace and strength of Christ. His favor and hand rest upon you. Keep chasing Him and inviting Him to be the King of your heart. Keep singing your guts out and worshipping through the droughts and when it is raining down. Keep fighting on your knees and shining your light. Do not let anyone or any circumstance steal that light of Jesus in you. 

Rest in Jesus. Abide in Him. And walk confidently in Him as He will work in mighty ways.