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Heart in two countries

Man, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to write! My husband and I welcomed our son, Andrés Mikkel, into the world almost 8 months ago. Between being a full time mami and all the other curve balls life throws, I haven’t found the time to sit and write out what has been on my heart.

I started this blog to share my journey here to the Dominican. It hasn’t turned out quite the way I expected. It has been one of the wildest, refining, yet most amazing journeys. Even through the tough moments, I would choose it all over again because it’s shaped who I am today. And through it all, God has given me the most precious gifts—my Alan and my Andrés. 

My heart has really felt torn between the states and here lately. The Dominican has been my dream since my first trip in 2016. God really broke my heart and opened my eyes on this trip, and when I went back to the states, I felt homesick for the Dominican. Now after 6 years of living in the DR, and never knowing the next time I will see my family, I am praying that the Lord will provide a way for my husband to be able to travel to the states. 

For those of you have followed along, you know that the road has been long and we have fought really hard do everything the right way, the way that is pleasing in the Lord’s eyes. I have found myself at another place of surrender. I am re-learning how to release control and watch the Lord’s hand orchestrate a miracle for us, just like I did with my Dominican residency. 

Matthew 6:25-34 has been the most encouraging passage to me in this season. The Lord fills the birds’ bellies, and they don’t even work for it. He clothes the flowers of the field who are here today and gone tomorrow. How much more will He take care of us? He knows our every need even BEFORE we take it to Him in prayer. Over and over it says, “do not worry!” But instead, we seek first His kingdom and righteous and all these things will be added to us. 

One thing that has given me so much comfort is that God foresaw everything that we have been through and everything we will go through even before Alan and I met.  The Lord has intertwined our stories knowing that we would come from different countries resulting in lots of paperwork and  hoops we’d have to jump through to be together. And He knew exactly what we would need to jump through those hoops. This has given me so much peace. He is the author of our story, and He will supply all we need to do what is honoring in His eyes. 

It’s crazy how my journey has come full circle. It isn’t easy having your heart in two countries. And yet, it is so beautiful to get to love people so deeply from each country that it hurts to be away from them. I’m eager to see (and share!) the next chapters of the story that God is writing. 

Tough Skin and Tender Hearts: Bye Bye Bitterness

My first couple years in the Dominican Republic were really lonely. I was sort of thrown in to work and the culture while left to figure a lot out on my own. There is a whole lot that happened during these years that God has been healing me from even years later.

After my husband and I left this ministry, we felt really discouraged and hurt. I am such a relational person, and those years took a toll on me. So, I began to shut people out, and I allowed resentment to take root in my heart. 

I craved depth and connection, yet I would unconsciously push people out because I was so wounded. It wasn’t until I was stuck in the United States for 3 months waiting on a visa, thousands of miles away from my new husband (at the time), that the Holy Spirit spoke directly to me and called me out. He showed me that I was stuck in a cycle of unforgiveness, and I had to break that cycle and forgive in order to experience freedom and depth again. I spent so much time on the cold, wooden floor of the house I grew up in crying out to God to help me. I had no idea where to start in my journey of forgiving. Little by little, year by year (yes, it has taken many years–and He is still working on me!), the Holy Spirit started to soften my heart and show me how to love those I felt had hurt me. 

I have been reflecting a lot on all my years here, and how far the Lord has brought me. Seriously, it is only by His hand and His mercy that I am who I am and where I am today. 

Over the past year and a half, God has given me a tender heart to love and to receive love again. I have even seen Him use the things that my husband and I have gone through to help me have more compassion on others and be able to better relate to them. Pain can either make you more bitter, or it can make you more compassionate. We get to choose what kind of person we want to be.

 My husband and I have an INCREDIBLE church family who has come around us in some really difficult moments. We have found fellowship with others who are after the same things of Christ as we are. God has surrounded us with coworkers who have poured into us and have been so generous with us as we step into this new season of welcoming our sweet, baby boy into the world. I am in awe of the Lord and the work He has done in both my heart and my husband’s. 

It is an everyday choice to forgive. I ask the Lord to guard our hearts from unforgiveness. It is breeding ground for the enemy, friends. I pray often that God gives us thick skin and tender hearts. We do not have to carry everything people do or say to us, but we do need to love and demonstrate grace. God will take care of the rest. 

I think about bringing our son into the world and the things that I want to teach him. I want our boy to know that we must always be quick to forgive and never harbor hurt feelings. It is something I must continue to work on, so that I can train him well! 

If I have learned anything over these years, it is that relationships and connection are worth it. We were made for community. And the enemy loves to isolate us. BUT we have the ability to recognize his schemes, and the Holy Spirit gives us the authority to shut him down and say bye bye to bitterness. 

Weaknesses And All

Have you ever caught yourself offering God excuses over responding out of obedience? There have been numerous times where I have felt the prompting of the Holy Spirit to do something, but I immediately tried to justify why I wouldn’t be the right person for the job.

I think a lot of our excuses are rooted out of our comfortability or our insecurities. We seek to avoid awkward or difficult situations. We rather stay in our comfort zone than step out in submission to what God wants us to do. It is a struggle with the flesh, am I right?

I am sure that you have heard the saying, “God doesn’t call the qualified. He qualifies the called.’ This is something I hear ALL the time in the Christian community. And I believe it fits perfectly with what I am talking about. 

There is a passage in the Bible that I recently reread and it left me feeling a little convicted. It is a story I am sure many are familiar with…that is the story of Moses. 

Moses was born Hebrew but raised by Pharaoh’s daughter. I just imagine the tug Moses must have felt as he was raised in an Egyptian household but was Hebrew by blood. After killing an Egyptian and fleeing to Midian, God later spoke to Moses through a burning bush. Can you imagine being in the presence of the Most High, and Him directly speaking to you? It was there that God told Moses how He saw the oppression of the Israelites under the Egyptians, and He called Moses to rescue them. 

What did Moses say in response? He questioned God. “Who am I that I should go to Pharaoh and that I should bring the Israelites out of Egypt?” (Exodus 3:11) Moses went back and forth with the Lord for a little while until he finally told God, “Look I am not an eloquent speaker.” As if God didn’t already know this. 

I LOVE God’s response to Moses.

“Who created your mouth? Who gave you a tongue to speak?” (Exodus 4) 

This got me thinking…how many times do we make excuses to the One who CREATED us and knows us better than we know ourselves? He designed us and knows our weaknesses and what areas we lack in. Yet He still wants to use us and all of our imperfections to grow His Kingdom or set the captives free. And He will be magnified through our inabilities. 

God used Moses–timidness, excuses, and all– to bring the Israelites into the promiseland and free them from the hand of the Egyptians. 

Now I ask you…what is it that is holding you back from being fully obedient to the Holy Spirit is calling you to do? Do you feel insufficient, uncomfortable, maybe afraid? 

Remember that the One who knit you together and knew your name before you were born is the same One who desires to use you. It doesn’t matter if you feel unequipped or inadequate, God can and wants to use it all!